Hindi naman, kaibigan. Sino ba naman sa atin ang gusto na mayroon laging problema? Ako? Hindi a. Gusto ko rin naman mabuhay ng walang iniisip na solusyon para sa isang problema. Kaso hindi maiwasan. Araw-araw nag-iisip ako. Araw-araw sa aking pag-iisip nakakapagtanto ako. Araw-araw sa aking pagtatanto nalalaman ko na may problema ako. Araw-araw sa aking nalalaman na problema naghahanap ako ng solusyon. Ngunit wala akong makuhang paraan para maresolbahan ang mga ito!

Paulit-ulit lamang sila. Pabalik-balik. Ayaw akong lubayan. Sawa na ako sa kanila pero hanap-hanap talaga nila ako. Paano ba naman, hindi ko kayang lumimot ng problema. Kaya kong isantabi pero hindi ko kayang pabayaan. Dumadami tuloy. Gaya ngayon, wala namang problema pero namomoblema ako.

Teka, meron palang problema. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ng maayos pero meron akong problema. Dahil sa problemang ito, hindi ako nakaktulog ng maaga. Hindi ko naman masabi sa ibang tao dahil hindi ko masabi sa sarili ko kung ano ang problema ko. Basta alam ko meron pero hindi ko dinidikta na biglaan na lamang may problema na ako. Malinaw ba? Nalilito na ako e.

Matutulog na nga lang ako. Hindi ako sinungaling. Pipilitin ko.

Things changed after that year. Before, I kept on thinking what could have been if I stayed. I was full of hate, regrets, wishful-thinking and hopes. I was robbed off of friends, social life and a good life. I felt the world betrayed me. Now? I cannot say I still feel the same thing. Yes, I still think of what could have happened if I stayed and that’s why I went back this January to the Philippines. Yet it was just a slap on my face. The answers I was afraid to accept were thrown in front of me… painfully.

They moved on. I didn’t. They spent thousands of memories together. I spent thousands of hours reminiscing. It was not their fault though. It was mine. I hoped time stopped when I left the country and that when I returned everything would be the same. How foolish of me to think that way. Of course, time won’t stop for me. I am just one dot in a sea of black ink. I am just one person and they can find someone else to replace my part in their lives.

I still have hate in my heart but I learnt to forgive and forget. I don’t blame my parents anymore. I can see how hard it is for them to be here as well. It’s not only my life who changed. Theirs, as well. I’d rather feel homesick than my parents. They have had enough and it’s time for them to be happy. Completely happy.

I still have the regrets, the wishful-thinking and the hopes but as I grow old I tend to forget them. I actually cannot remember all of them. It is like I am this new person living a new life. Well, I have been that way since I moved here. I just haven’t realised and accepted it until now.

I still miss the old times. Farewell.

I saw you. Among the crowd of unfamiliar faces, I saw you. I saw your smile, and it felt like it was for me. It made me smile, too. That was when it all began.

Then I saw you dance. Still unfamiliar yet no stranger. That smile… I saw it again. I gathered enough courage to asked those people around me for your name. Yellow flower. Knowing your name, I felt closer to you. If only you will look my way. That was what I had in mind.

During one of YFC-H’s fundraising events, I approached a group of people who came but was not helping. I told them to please help us. I am thankful they did. You did. You know, even from afar, I could feel the warm smile coming from you. I did not remember you, honestly, but I recognised the feeling. That was when I hoped to know you.

Weeks later, P told me that one of our upcoming participants for YOUth Camp was having second thoughts on attending the event. I do not know who the participant is but something inside me told me to react. And so I told P that we visit that participant and convince the person face-to-face. It came out abruptly. So we went to the house and your smile greeted us. My heart beat faster. How could I forget my glasses on P’s car? That was when I first saw you in short distance.

Thanks to Facebook, I got a chance to talk to you. I do not know if you remember this, but our first conversation was me asking if you are the one who went to our fundraising event. I gave you my thanks and my anticipation to see you on our next event. My silly stranger. You talked to me like I was one of your close mates. That made me realised that maybe, just maybe, I like you.

The previous months, however, proved me wrong. My perspective of New Zealand underwent a radical change because of what happened during these past five months. My life, once again, is on the roll. Everything is moving too fast and slowly, I am finding a hard time to catch up.

Two year have passed but my communication with my friends from the Philippines did not get any improvement. Most of them stopped communicating with me. I tired but we always end up with an awkward silence. F- lame, aye? I cannot do anything about it though. There have been so many events in their life that I have missed; that I was not a part of. These modern technologies we have cannot make it possible for me to live every second with them. Facebook is not enough. Yahoo! Messenger is not enough. I am starting to lose these people I used to think I cannot live without. They say everything changes, but I am still hoping that some things does not have to change.

The preceding thoughts have lingered on my mind almost everyday. Of course, it is hard to let go of something you have holding on for too long. It would be easy if I did not do anything. I did. Yet my effort was not enough for them, I think so. We just exchange ‘I miss you.’ messages and that is it. Just words. Empty sweet words.

On the other hand, I do not live each day just for those thoughts. As I have mentioned, I underwent a radical change of lifestyle. It started when I joined the volleyball tournament that happened somewhere between January and March. You do not have to tell me that. I know. I am not good at remembering dates.

Thanks to Luke Esposo (liyuk), I was exposed to more ‘people’. I met people which later became my friends. I also get to play the sport again. The last time I played volleyball, I was taking it as a PE class with my BA degree.

Then came YFC-H. I have avoided this organisation since last year, and I cannot remember why I gave up and attended their meeting ‘that’ day. I know I went to meet people and not to join them but I ended up continuing Dennis Kirkby’s role as a Chapter Head since he moved to Auckland to pursue his tertiary education (and other reasons, if applicable). Hey! I do not say I regret attending the meeting, though. It was one of the best decisions I have made, I assure you.

Through YFC-H, which refers to CFC Youth for Christ – Hamilton, NZ, I met more ‘people’. Wait. I will continue this entry on my next post. For the meantime, I have to go*.

*I am surfing the net at the uni lib since something’s wrong with our connection at home.

Hindi. Hindi ito drama na ako lang ang haharap sa mundo at hindi makikipag-ugnayan sa mga tao sa aking paligid. Kaya ako hihiwalay ay para pagtuonan ng pansin ang aking pangarap sa buhay. Gusto ko magsumikap at mag-aral ng mabuti. At para mangyari iyon, iiwas muna ako sa mga bagay na makakasagabal sa aking mga plano. Iiwasan ko muna ang mahabang pakikipagkwentuhan, ang pagtambay sa anumang mahagilap na lugar, ang paglalakad ng mahaba, ang pagmasid sa paligid at pagtingin sa kaulapan.

Maging seryoso muna. Baduy man pakinggan sa iyo, pero tingin ko kailangan ko itong gawin. Nandito naman ang internet para makinig sa aking mga kwento. At uso pa rin naman ang text. Hindi ko naman tuluyang puputulin ang komunikasyon sa kanila.